As a total bitch to Apple products, with no less than an Ipad, 2 Ipods, an Iphone, and a Nano to my name I have to admit that I was a little mystified by my latest journey into the world of Itunes. I have purchased a very diverse array of television shows, movies, apps, and music from the service and am always checking for new stuff or syncing one of my devices. That’s why my computers tend to creak along so slowly because there is no bigger gobbler of resources or clunkier program than Itunes.

I even have tried to indulge Ping for God’s sake.

But when I logged onto Itunes last night and as it synced my Ipad loaded with movies like A Prophet and No Country for Old Men and television shows like Mad Men and The Wire, I was greeted with the ‘genius’ results of what Apple thought of me as a human being based on my catalog of titles:

Alien Raiders: Never seen it, but Carlos Bernard is the star so that’s pretty amazing.

Grace: It’s ok. Nowhere nearly worth too much attention as that one dude gave it.

Bandits: Dogshit.

Billy Jack: Fun flick from my youth but I wouldn’t own it. Simply too much denim.

Down to Earth: Nope, not even with Louis C.K.

Shanghai Knights: The asshole sequel? Really?

Wayne’s World 2: I am the person who hates Dana Carvey with the fire of twelve stars.

It’s really hard to understand how those choices could manifest based on my library, tendencies, and entire philosophy as a man. It makes me sad. If this is me why haven’t I shot myself in the face? If Apple is that screwy how are they the masters of the universe? My brow furrows at the conundrum.

All I know is that Apple’s Genius is anything but.