are certain films that hold a unique place in history… and Hollywood
had better keep their grubby, remaking mitts off of them! While the
trend to “re-imagine” or “re-envision” everything around them has been
going on for some time, these films have so far managed to escape the
fate of some of their less fortunate compatriots. I speak of course
of…
The 25 Movies They’d Better Never Remake.
hearts, they should be considered OFF-LIMITS to those jerks at the
studios. The films on this list were special when they premiered and
continue to be so today, and we’re going to explain why they shouldn’t
be remade – as well as why they can’t be. So enough jabbering, on with
the list!
DIRECTED BY: Steven Spielberg
STARRING: Harrison Ford, Karen Allen, Paul Freeman, John Rhys-Davies, Ronald Lacey, Denholm Elliott, Alfred Molina.
World
famous archeologist and swashbuckling adventurer, Henry “Indiana”
Jones, Jr. (Ford), is asked by the government to apply his expertise on
the occult and unique ability to obtain rare
antiquities in the search for the fabled Ark of the Covenant.
It seems that Adolf Hitler was a nut on the subject of Biblical
artifacts and he had teams scouring the Earth looking for them,
including the Ark. For, according to the Bible, an army that
possesses the container of the original 10 Commandments is
invincible…so it might be a handy thing to have before starting World
War II. Jones’ quest takes him across the globe to an old
flame, Marion Ravenwood (Allen), who isn’t exactly happy to see him,
especially after her bar burns down during a scuffle with the
Nazis. The quest also lands him in the crosshairs
of Der Fuehrer’s henchmen, most notably the creepy yet uber-fashionable
Maj. Arnold Toht (Lacey), and Jones’ main competitor, Rene Belloq
(Freeman). Ancient biblical mythology and modern, hard-nosed
action, fisticuffs and political intrigue combine into nothing less than
one of, if not, the greatest action films ever made.

Raiders is simply a romp, a stylish homage to the old action adventure serials headed up by possibly the greatest action hero in film history. It’s a thrilling, globe-hopping adventure with both gritty real world and fantastic elements, with a sublime sense of humor. But what’s more, Raiders is just the perfect confluence – at the perfect time – of some of the all-time greats in Hollywood at the high points of their careers. This collaboration led to their creating the seminal adventure yarn that melds several genres into a unique mixture that can never be replicated, despite the recent efforts of all involved to try. At the time, Steven Spielberg was an experienced, but still-developing purveyor of wonder and adventure, squarely in the earlier stages of his prime movie making stretch.

Spielberg’s good friend George Lucas had by now probably realized that he could do some great work when he controlled things from behind the curtain and let someone else interpret his considerable cinematic vision, as was proven the previous year by The Empire Strikes Back. He crafted an adventurer in the vein of the old 1930s movie serials, treasure hunters and pulp heroes that became one of the most quintessential film characters of all time. Portraying that hero was Harrison Ford, in probably his greatest role, fresh off two outings as Lucas’ scoundrel, Han Solo, hints of which can be seen in Jones. Ford was also squarely in his prime during this period, which would see him follow up this film with Blade Runner, Return of the Jedi, Witness, The Mosquito Coast, and Frantic, as well as two more timely outings as Indy in the very satisfying sequels, Temple of Doom and The Last Crusade.

The supporting work by Ford’s colleagues are all also top notch. Karen Allen was simply fantastic as Marion. Her character was what Lois Lane would be if she were a bitter, money-hungry, boozing bar owner. Paul Freeman’s Belloq was an excellently refined bastard; Denholm Elliott a friendly father figure to Indy, John Rhys-Davies’ Sallah a regal and fun sidekick; and Pat Roach an imposing and memorable henchman (twice). And you’re probably not going to find someone who portrayed a creepier bastard better than Ronald Lacey as Maj. Toht.

Then there’s the simply iconic score, by all-time great, John Williams, who was in the midst of a series of film scores the likes of which will simply never be seen again (Jaws, Star Wars, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, the under-appreciated Dracula, Superman, E.T., and on and on and on). Then you can add in the rousing and nuanced script by Lawrence Kasdan (based on Lucas’ story with input from Phillip Kaufman), who preceded this film with the script for Empire, and followed it up with Body Heat, Jedi, the frequently-overlooked Continental Divide, The Big Chill, Silverado and The Accidental Tourist. When you get the best, or among the best, doing their best work, there’s simply little to no chance of equaling the finished product, and such an attempt would be futile…at best.
ICONIC MOMENTS
- The entire opening sequence.
- The bar fight.
- The marketplace chase sequence, highlighted by a sick-as-a-dog Ford who made the suggestion to just simply “shoot the sucker.”
- “Snakes, why did it have to be snakes?”
- The flying wing boxing match.
- The entire truck chase. Based on classic stunt sequences, it became one of its own. Ford’s grittiness in that scene is unmatched.
- Two words: facey melty.
- The warehouse shot.

CGI prairie dogs and monkeys come to mind… But the truth is, there are just some things in film that are lightning in a bottle, which simply can’t be duplicated. Raiders is a product of its time, the talents of everyone involved and a career-defining portrayal by its lead. It’s rife with subtle nuances and humor, little moments and atmosphere. Even Temple and Crusade, both of which I also love, couldn’t quite retrieve the formula established by this film. Crystal Skull certainly couldn’t. More and more, films are going digital and green screen, backdrops can be created with a computer rather than a camera, and it seems to be getting ever harder to find real, practically made, big budget epics such as Raiders, with the grit and grime to go with it. Raiders of the Lost Ark is probably as close to the perfect action adventure film as there ever will be.
Bay’s been producing remakes all over town, using his Platinum Dunes
company as a front. So naturally he’d be the logical choice to spearhead
any attempt at remaking this classic. How would it pan out, you ask?
- He’d cast a gold-toothed Black guy as Belloq, make him a jive-talking illiterate, then blame the writers.
- He’d shoot a million feet of film and use less than 2% of it.
- The final frame of the warehouse worker taking the Ark into back aisle oblivion would be a slow-mo POV affair in front of the sun rotated 360 degrees.
- He’d have Diane Warren write a Raiders of the Ark love song and Justin Bieber or Taylor Swift – or both – sing it.
- Indy would threaten to blow up the Ark with a nuke instead of a bazooka.
- He’d somehow manage to get it into the Criterion Collection.


the giant Sherpa in Marion’s bar who beat on Indy, and this guy from Temple of Doom who beat on Indy:

were the same guy who beat on Indy: Mr. Pat Roach.
Rebuttal: None. We agree!
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22 comments
Wasn't Roach also the bring-a-sword-to-a-gunfight guy in Cairo?
I love the Platinum Dunes section of these articles. God damn it Michael Bay sucks. The next movie on this list should be Gremlins 2. It's a classic.
I'd like to see "The Untouchables" on this list, which itself was a remake of sorts. I'm expecting quite a few no-brainers, like "Godfather", "Rocky", "Casablanca", stuff like that, but at least the "What would Platinum Dunes do?" sections will be entertaining.
While I heartily agree with this flick as a Sacred Cow- I must disagree with your inclusion of ROTJ on Ford's "Prime years" list, unless it is as "that incredibly mediocre performances as a neutered and poorly written character"
I love how nobody recognizes Crystal Skull as a sequel. I loathe that movie, I had to see it twice just to make sure it was a bad as I thought it was.
In my lifetime (I am 34) they WILL remake this movie. I'll be on my death bed in an under the sea convalescent home and the digital wall in my room will show a consumer alert for a reboot of Raiders of the Lost Ark directed by a 76 year old Eli Roth and then in a final defiant gesture I will muster all my strength and reach out towards the wall like the old man reaching towards the monolith at the end of 2001 and flip off the screen then I will gasp and die.
Raiders was the prototype. Crusade was the real deal. Crystal was the after birth.
"Simply" is David's new favorite word.
@number 1. No, Roach was also the giant Sherpa who chokes Indy in the bar in Nepal.
I agree, unfortunately this one will be remade.
Interesting that all the modern attempts at picking up the torch have been Civil War based when seeking out a macguffin/artifact and are a little too insular/lacking in scope as a result. Raiders nailed the WW2 stuff too well and any attempt to use Hitler or Nazis comes off as a rip-off. If they ever do a Wolfenstein movie, they should be able to get away with it though – There you go Mr Bay, one on the house! @#7: Ha, why is Crusade the real deal? Because it's the first one you saw in the cinema? Twit.
Let me apologize to everyone else in advance for yelling.
@7 YOU ARE AN IDIOT.
Pat Roach is also the big Nazi who's thrown out of the Zeppelin in "Last Crusade". Blink and you'll miss him.
Cue the Wilhelm scream!
Top. Men.
# 13… Close. Here's Roach in his deleted LC scene: http://www.theraider.net/showimage.php?ImageUrl=http://www.theraider.net/films/crusade/gallery/deleted/crusade_deleted_19.jpg
The Nazi thrown from the zeppelin as it takes off is Michael Byrne who played Vogel. Pat Roach played a Giant Gestapo agent as shown in the picture above and there was supposedly a huge fight filmed that ended with him being thrown from the zepellin as it took off. I met him in Birmingham, lovely bloke, he had the Zepellin stairs in his gym. Ronald Lacey is also in LC as Himmler at the Nazi Rally and Michael Sheard the U-Boat captain in Raiders is Hitler.
This list is just giving them ideas ya know!
Raiders is being re-released in 3D.
Well, fuck.
FREE HAT!
I agree, you just can't improve on perfection. This movie holds up as well now, seeing it as an adult just as much as it did when I was 6. I will take to the streets if there is ever talk of a remake. Sacrilege.
Good article. I would just replace the words "very satisfying sequels" with "progressively unsatisfying sequels. Each is worse than the last (I'm not a big fan of the sitcom-ish Last Crusade, which points the way to the general travesty of Crystal Skull).
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