Easter Sucks Dick.
I’m kind of a grumpy jerk when it comes to family gatherings. As much as I love my extended family and my wife’s family, I just don’t enjoy any gathering that is REQUIRED. I suck at being told what to do, which is probably why I don’t work in sales or the tech sector any more.
I understand Christmas and Thanksgiving and SOME birthdays, but not every single birthday and I honestly would love to see what a quiet and intimate Christmas would be like with just myself, my wife, and our daughter. Just once. But New Year’s Day isn’t a holiday to me, it’s a recovery period. Halloween isn’t a holiday, just a chance to look creepier than normal and for people to get fatter. St. Patrick’s Day isn’t a holiday because it’s centered around Irish people. Independence Day is dumb, and it’s the day after my birthday and I cannot tell you how many times people have shafted me in lieu of some silly firecracker bullshit. But I’m not bitter. Then there’s Easter.
Easter sucks a huge cock. Fuck Easter. I hope Easter dies and doesn’t get resurrected*.
First of all there’s the religious aspect, something I automatically rebel against, but only because I’ve actually done the time and came to my own conclusions. It’s not a blind repulsion but rather one built on a steady diet of Catholic masses, Catholic school days, Baptist school days, Baptist sermons, and even a few Lutheran ones thrown in for good measure. My problem ain’t with God or people that need that fella to get by. My problem is with the organized aspect of it and the silly rituals and rules that are value added.
Easter is most obviously a very religious holiday, weakly masked for the innocent with bunny rabbits and chocolate and innocent games of hide and seek.
I am of course, forced to spend Easter with family. I love them. They are terrific people. The problem ain’t with THEM. It’s with ME. They make amazing food too, and holidays are times when nothing is spared. Which is another problem with Easter…
The menu sucks a baby’s cock. Fucking HAM? Ham is something you eat on the periphery. Something to tide you over on Thanksgiving until the real food comes out. It’s something you slice and shove in an omelet or cure and throw onto a pizza. Or carve a fuckhole into and go to town on. I close my eyes and pretend I’ve abducted Wilbur and am becoming as close to him as Charlotte was. Ham as the main course is dumb. Fuck ham. It’s silly and too gelatinous to be considered great meat. Unless it’s really dry and tough. Then ham is not only my friend but worth a few rounds of gnawing on. Even then, it’s a fucking sidebar. Ham is to a meal like holding hands is to sex. It’s a nice gesture but it’s not what gets people to the shunting any faster.
Easter also requires prayer. Another thing that rocks my lumps. My wife knows better than to ask me to go to church, but I feel like a Communist spy in a prayer circle because though I’m not disrespectful I fit in like a platypus in a flock of geese. I play for a co-ed team in a church league on Friday nights and the postgame prayers make me want to shrink and be shot into Martin Short’s ass.
The problem is most definitely with me. I should just enjoy the togetherness and warm interaction but I can’t. I want to get together with these people FOR NO REASON. Because we want to. Not because it’s what we’re told we’re supposed to do. And I don’t want to get all dressed up for it. Don’t wanna eat no ham. Don’t wanna tell my daughter how I really feel about that Easter Bunny asshole.
I just want baseball season to start so I can spend my Sunday afternoons doing something that’s actually spiritual. Sorry.
– Nick Nunziata is on very little medication.
*If they’d combined Easter and Halloween and played on the zombie aspect of the source material I’d probably be down with it.
19 comments
Outta line, man. Not cool.
You know what, Nick? You can suck my pink dick.
You ungrateful son of a bitch. I hope you end up hungry one day and have nothing in the house but a nice, juicy slab of ME.
Go paint an egg you fucking heathen.
You know you love me.
In Soviet Russia, ham rapes you. Don't you forget that shit, Nick.
Wow, love your site and haven't usually minded the "secular nature of it" but saying that the holiday that celebrates the resurrection of Jesus should "suck dick" is a bit much. Rock on and all, but…damn.
I'd actually have preferred it even more if he said that the resurrected corpse of Christ needed a mouthfuckin', come to think of it.
Come on people. Its an attention grabbing title and you all fell for it.
I myself nearly wet my pants reading this.
Its meant to offend.
BTW…#5…..priceless.
Hey Nick,seems like a lot of these readers didn't really get what you were on about.I'm heading home for Easter too,but over here in Ireland, all the pubs are closed on Good Friday,because its a Catholic day of abstinence or something.You can't really buy booze anywhere.Usually though most people under 40 stock up and throw drunken house parties,I know that's my plan for the day!How's that for a religious holiday not turning out as planned?
…And Jake with the no-prize for being unfunny and ruining the joke. Douche.
Nick I have to admit that your blogs have produced some of the best quotes I have ever heard. The bit about turning ham into a fuckhole and pretending it's wilbur was priceless. I'm writing that one down.
Nothing is more corrputed than the forced commercial spending orgy that is Christmas! Another great, Nick!
I get annoyed with pretty much all the same things about Easter. I will be sure NOT to put my kids through the dressing up, the ham, etc.
You know who else hates Ham? Muslims.
And you know who else are Muslims? Islamic Fundamentalists.
And you know what else Islamic Fundamentalists hate? America.
So according to Rove's Theory of Association, Nick Nunziata Hates America!
Your statement, Nick, is a perfect illustration of just how flawed the Catholic and Baptist churches are, especially the Catholic church…you obviously learned very little. I to dislike most of the ritualistic elements of religion, particularly dress codes or the absolutely vile way so many feel they need to dress their children for the pomp and circumstance, I actually find it humiliating, and my wife and I have had more than a couple of healthy arguments on the subject, in regards to our soon to be born first. But Easter is actually a true-to-the-word biblical holiday, and it doesn't involve a rabbit or hiding eggs. Unlike Christmas, which is not mentioned in the Bible (unless the Catholics have revised it!). I do agree, I enjoy hanging with my extended family on any day except a holiday, it does feel forced and ritualistic and the situation tends to bring the worst out. Oh yeah, to clarify for some of you, Ham is pork, and if you had read the bible, you would know that it is a no-no for ANY Christian…though I do love be some bacon! MMMmmmmmMMMMmmmm!!!!
I'm not a religious guy, so I'm just looking forward to the free brunch this Sunday. Nothing wrong with that.
Way to much thought put into your ham hatred.
ham rolled in pepper and smoked for days is pretty damn delicious…
Jim, you're an idiot. Pork is not a restricted food for Christians. In fact, there is no restricted food for Christians, and any time you here about one, it is either a remnant of the Mosaic Law or a part of Catholic dogma. When Christianity began, it basically ended the Mosaic Law that was burdening the people instead of helping them like it was supposed to do. The only actual laws of Christianity that must be observed are the first 2 of the 10 commandments. (Love God, love your neighbor) Also, the only reason pork is forbidden by the early Jews was because pigs were dirty animals that produced unhealthy meat. Pigs are still dirty now but we know how to cook them so we don't get sick from them.
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