As a young man my theatergoing adventures consisted of four locations:
- The Cineplex Odeon in Roswell, GA (late 80’s – early 90’s). This has since become a church. Not a good one.
- The Hoyts Theater in Roswell, GA (early 80’s – early 90’s). I worked at this theater for three years. It was a nightmare and has since been converted into other movie theaters, all of them extremely small time.
- The AMC Theater in Alpharetta, GA (early 90’s – early 00’s). This came after my high school years and I was worked in restaurant and retail so most of my discretionary time and income went to movie theaters. I’ve been told that this theater boasts the largest amount of drug deals in the area.
- The United Artists Theater in Alpharetta, GA (early 90’s – early 00’s). Smelling faintly of vomit, this was the theater I went to (and go to) only when I absolutely have no other choice. It’s now a Regal Theater and now makes a point to feature one Christian film in its listings. Yay!
You’re familiar with Policy Trailers? The little self promotional videos each chain runs asking you to turn off your cellphone, shut the fuck up, don’t smoke, and other delightful ruses? Each theater chain’s policy trailer has their nuances (“Please observe silence” always got me since it’s better to just be quiet rather than observing it) but the most mystifying thing I may have ever seen in theater marketing was United Artists’ decision in their late 90’s policy trailer to have use move through a futuristic landscape only to witness a black gentleman’s head in a sea of popcorn before a white androgynous woman welcomes us. The asexual white chick is in charge of hospitality and the black dude lives in a sea of exploded corn. Sounds about normal.
Here are some important questions:
- Why did the black man get trapped in the popcorn?
- How did the black man get trapped in the popcorn?
- Why did United Artists think a black man trapped in popcorn was a good idea?
- Is he clothed or naked in the popcorn? This is key.
I don’t think I have answers.
The bottom line is that in a business where snack containers dance, futuristic roots overtake theater patrons, and dumb roller coasters evade popping kernels nothing can ever compete with the iconic image of a gentleman of color smiling uncomfortably in a prison of empty calories. I can only hope that the actor chosen to portray the star of this Orwellian charade got serious ass for the role because the thought of him being in such an embarrassing predicament is too much to stomach without that silver lining.
I salute you, trapped in popcorn man. I hope you were able to free yourself and find out if that bitch with the boyish figure had anything worth perusing under her Logan’s Run pullover. And then I hope you hightailed it out of town to the barrens, where no one was ever trapped in snacks and people were treated fairly regardless of color, creed, or proximity to eatables.
Watch his trapped ass in all its glory here:
10 comments
I’ve been to both the AMC and UA when I used to work at an Alpharetta hotel on Windward parkway in the early 00’s and yeah that UA theater was nasty, I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed that odor.
True story: It was 2003 when I discovered CHUD.com while the Matrix Reloaded hype was at its extreme, I loved the site and never looked back. Then I went to see Reloaded at the AMC (i think) and skipped a few hours of work which got me fired. All of this because of me reading CHUD the night before and not sleeping. Ah stupid youth! haha, Thanks Nick!
This was amazing. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Loved this piece. I used to crack up at popcorn guy too — although I was more than a little disturbed by the androgynous “welcome” sayer. I was a progressive enough kid, but still it threw me that I could never figure out what side of the gender divide he/she resided within. For some reason I also always wondered whether or not he/she was supposed to be Asian, so thanks for finally clearing that part up for me.
Was it Cinemark that had the shitty animated cats? Also, as far as the “It’s now a Regal Theater and now makes a point to feature one Christian film in its listings” observation goes, I don’t know if you know it or not, but the guy at the top of the Regal food chain is also the majority shareholder of Walden Media I believe. I work at a Regal, and it wasn’t until around the time of the second Narnia flick that I noticed that we find ourselves having to promote Walden films more often than not as our “project pictures”. The guy’s name is Philip Anschutz, he’s an ultra conservative, and a look at his Wikipedia page will show you that he’s pissed off a lot of folks in his day.
Don’t you go baggin’ on Front Row Joe…
Oh yeah, I remember this one. I probably only saw it a couple times right before my local UA turned into a Center for Homeless Jacking Off.
I don’t wanna be “that guy” but fuck it, I’ll be that guy. Why does it matter so much that he’s BLACK? I mean, since you felt the need to put the label right in the headline and all, obviously that’s part of what’s weird about it to you. Plus you felt the need to call him out as a “black man” in every single question you asked, so clearly that’s a foremost issue to your mind. I think “Some fuckin’ dude trapped in popcorn, possibly nude” is enough.
I always found this policy trailer to be an odd thing. With it’s weird dystopic sci fi setting, and really why would they stick ANYONE in a bunch of popcorn like that? And what is with the androgony of the “welcome” person? Wtf? Like it was so hi tech and super sci fi like to be going to the movies in the late 90’s?
The ones that AMC run now are annoying too. The perfectly handsome/beautiful young people sitting in the theater chairs that sprout trunks and raises them towards this mythical screen like image all while drinking sodas in way to huge for one person containers clearly marked with the COKE logo.
Gimmie a break.
Lighten up, Francis…
At that portion of the open, I would always pantomime spitting out my popcorn and mock scream, “Ahh! There’s a man living in the popcorn! Bleah!”
My wife stopped thinking this was funny after about the 9th time.
And since we’re on the subject, why do some of these guys have Goobers and some don’t? Come on theater chains, get your chocolate covered peanut shit together.
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