If you were to believe the advertising Lionsgate is selling regarding the upcoming thriller Abduction, the film is about a bland young man falling to his death from a skyscraper who is only mildly concerned about that fact.
Actually, that’s an amazing premise for this movie. Especially if Taylor Lautner were a Method actor.
In actuality the film is about a beefy youth who discovers he was abducted as a boy and has been a missing person all these years as he’s worked out and gotten haircuts and put on jeans. When people around him start getting deadened he takes matters into his own blands.
Then he hooks up with Sigourney Weaver while Alfred Molina chases him in helicopters. Jason Isaacs dies in the trailer. Maria Bello is also in the movie. These people all signed aboard a Taylor Lautner vehicle…
…directed by John Singleton.
Yes, THAT John Singleton.
The poster hit the world this week and most folks were too busy making soup to really talk much about it. Look at it up and to the right and scroll down to see what I believe it all means.
Exhibit A.
There’s a helicopter overhead. Having watched the trailer I know that there’s an Alfred Molina inside. I also know this isn’t one of the roles he went on an intense workout regimen for. But the helicopter is airborne so he’s not too hefty.
To the casual observer this is the Eye in the Sky signifying the deep message the film carries about privacy and the fine line between good and Orwellian evil.
To the Taylor Lautner fan this could mean that we can’t see the TMZ logo on the chopper but they’re circling for a nice shirtless photo op.
Exhibit B.
He’s concerned. You can tell by the way his mouth is open and nostrils are nostriling. This is serious. Like, X-Box Live is down on the day Gears of Wars 3 comes out serious.
No sex symbol has ever had a nose like that.
To the casual observer this is a young man of peace forced into action by a world he doesn’t belong.
To the Taylor Lautner fan he looks like he needs someone to come over to his house and cuddle with him, hoping he’ll take their prize away softly under the cool glow of the moon.
Exhibit C.
He is using the force of his force against the forces of gravity and the forces of building. He is sliding down a building like a champion building slider but the glass is coming undone with his force and it appears that if he somehow survives he’s going to have trouble lifting weights with his new bone hands.
To the casual observer this defies Newton’s Law as well as a few lesser known laws. Like Jude.
To the Taylor Lautner fan boot cut jeans were the perfect choice.
Exhibit D.
These are some angles we’re seeing here. It’s as if MC Escher and MC Gainey conspired to create a new reality.
To the casual observer those fuckers in Kuala Lumpur sure have outdone themselves architecturally.
To the Taylor Lautner fan a text message lured them away long ago. Hunter and Kennedy just pulled out in their new Nissan Cube!
10 comments
I got to work on this film a few times last fall, as well as this spring when they came back to Pittsburgh for re-shoots, and man, that Lautner kid has this weird giraffe neck thing going on. I pop up as a CIA agent and random extra in a few scenes, as well as the body double for Jason Isaacs, who probably lasts a bit longer than the trailer indicates. I didn’t get to meet him, but that Alfred Molina’s a pretty cool dude. I used to collect and display the posters to the movies that I’ve worked on, but I think I stopped with this one, as I really didn’t feel like explaining why I had a picture of the Twilight kid in my living room.
I didn’t even consider the inevitability of these fucking kids having careers outside of Twilight. I’ve always, without thinking about it, considered Twilight to be self-contained, and when the last movie was finished, we’d be done with them all.
Goddamn it. I don’t want to be looking at Taylor Lautner and Robert Pattinson’s fucking faces for years to come.
Funny post, Nick. I will never get tired of Twilight related trash talk.
“…there’s an Alfred Molina inside.” Good God, that’s hilarious.
Really?
Bit harsh, if Ashton Kutcher and Channing Tatum (?) Tanning Chatum, whatever, can have careers then why shouldn’t this douche?
I think the building is supposed to be falling over, making his sliding down it slightly more possible. How a falling over skyscraper figures into this plot is beyond me — in fact I assume it doesn’t
Also, Kutcher and Tatum shouldn’t have careers either.
I was going to make a similar comment about how the poster for Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark didn’t make a whole lot of sense(are these monsters really good at making shadow puppets? What are they reaching for, they are not even close to the girl?) and how they are making a movie about little bite-sized monsters seem like the sequel to Vanishing on 7th Street(seriously, Google the poster, EXACT same concept…except for the fact that the movie is actually about shadows that CAN grab you….), but I have no ill will towards the film itself, I like Chud, and I kind of want to see it. Then we get this, which I thought was amusing, but still…the comments for the Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark are locked, this one is fair game? Well played sir…
Actually Newtonian physics is not violated but celebrated by this poster. However, although the coefficient of static friction is greater for a shredded hand than a sweaty palm, as velocity increases the sweat will vaporize at an increasing rate, thereby factoring in the coefficient of dynamic friction for hot and sticky palm, which is much greater than the coefficient of dynamic friction for bloody connective tissue, which of course will eventually give way to the coefficient of dynamic friction for wet bone.
On the plus side, Mr. Lautner greatly increases his coefficient of aerodynamic drag by gaping of the oral cavity and nostridilation.
Ah haaaaaaaah, Singleton! You got screwed by Transformers again!! First, Michael Bay takes away your Tyrese action figure to go off and make his giant, wrecking ball testicled machine/coming of age roboto trilogy thrillers/ boom boom stick shows. Now your shit film is coming out with apparently Taylor Lautner skiing down the side of a building like a narco enhanced, Christian Slater style Gleaming The Cube/sci fi remake. And now you look like the the ripoff artist, Johnny S.! Especially after all that skyscraper, acrobatic shit in Chicago in Transformers: Dark Of The Moon. Again, what happened, John Singleton? Who the hell told you Taylor Lautner was a good idea? But you’re a crafty bastard, Mr. Singleton. While I have no desire to see Taylor Lautner do anything (I’m a near 30 year old, heterosexual male, not a tween girl), you had to go and cast Ellen Ripley and Doctor Octopus and the dude from Event Horizon in your movie too. Damn you. I’m getting fucking drunk before I see this!
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