I’m here. Technical difficulties with the TV (of course) almost killed me.
8:42 – Billy Crystal has no idea what era he’s in and how far behind the curve his humor is. Which, as it turns out means he’s perfect for 90% of the Academy.
8:43 – Hugo wins for Best Cinematography. I’m not a fan of the film (which is a total shocker as I was the target audience), but there’s no denying the quality of the frame.
8:46 – Hugo wins Art Direction. Once again, very hard to deny Dante Ferretti & Francesca Lo Schiavo.
8:49 – Billy Crystal was never good as the Oscar host, at least to non-Jews.
8:50 – I have a Billy Crystal story: I was at New Line pitching a project (11 Colonels Attack!, yes I know it was a dumb idea at the time) and Billy Crystal was in the lobby with us. He looked older than ferocity. I was actually almost giving him a pass because he made the Yankee baseball movie, but I still was a little wanting to give him a little smash. I texted the guys we were with telling them that Sir William of the Shards was there, which as it turns out was too obtuse a reference. Then Crystal tried to leave the room with a laugh and cracked the most old bullshit joke playing on Judaism (SHOCKER) and left. What a hack.
Footnote: New Line died. My project is still in limbo. Crystal thrives.
8:55 – The Artist wins its first of many Oscars with Costume Design. It was a lovely movie and I am a big fan of when real world movies win the award over overblown fantastical stuff. Can’t complain here. But I will say this: Fuck the Artist dog. Fuck it until its twin dies.
8:58 – The Iron Lady wins the makeup award because it took an old and ugly and made it into a different old and ugly.
8:59 – Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez together makes me want to un-jerk off.
9:00 – FINALLY WE GET TO HEAR ABOUT ADAM SANDLER’S FIRST MOVIE EXPERIENCE.
9:02 – Why to love Brad Pitt reason #27,383. He just brought retarded worldwide attention to this:
9:03 – But seriously, I was just telling my friends this weekend that I really wanted to know what Adam Sandler saw to turn him into the walking hate crime that he is.
9:06 – Sandra Bullock has an Oscar. Read that again. Now go fuck your Dad with a taxidermed bobcat.
9:07 – They did a blurb for the local news and this is verbatim: “A student is shot in the eye right on the school bus, right after the Oscars.” See, I hear that and I’m hoping that means that if I stay tuned they’re going to blast some kid’s face after the big show. Shit they’ll do for viewers.
9:08 – A Separation wins,which surprises no one. I hate the movie because the man on the poster’s mouth is open in a way I don’t appreciate. I haven’t seen the movie but I have a big problem with movie posters with people who make the “Mark Texieira swinging” face.
9:10 – Crystal cracked a Christian Bale eyeline joke. Man he digs deep.
9:12 – Can you imagine if The Help wins anything?
9:13 – Speaking of Gargantuas…
9:14 – Dr. Octavius wins for The Help. Because why the fuck not.
9:15- I didn’t see The Help.I also haven’t committed suicide.
9:16 – Having Billy Crystal host the Oscars is like having the sequel to an R rated movie be PG.
9:20 – Christopher Guest’s crew instantly elevates all things.
9:21 – If one person discovers A Mighty Wind, Best in Show or Waiting for Guffman because of this, Earth wins.
9:23 – Editing. One of the best awards of the night, though I wonder what voters think editing is.
9:24 – The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins Best Editing. Not really a fan of this choice.
9:25 – If Drive wins editing, I’m gonna pee all over my penis.
9:26 – Hugo wins best sound editing. It was a bit of a busy thing. I don’t feel this one.
9:28 – Now for Sound Mixing. I hope Stakeout wins.
9:28 – What the fuck with all this Hugo bullshit? It wins Sound Mixing.
9:30 – I want to have Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows’ babies, but I totally don’t like that movie.
9:35 – FUCK YES. PERFORMANCE ART.
9:37 – Here’s a dark secret: Very few people want to watch interpretive dance, but those who do seek it out. The people in the audience can afford to see this shit anytime they want. Save our eyes and respect our time, show producers.
9:39 – Countdown to Crystal’s first show running late joke…
9:39 – A Bar Mitzvah joke! Thank you Billy Crystal for being everything wrong with geometry.
9:41 – Wow. Wow. Wow. That’s the worst Downey Jr. thing since The Pick-Up Artist.
9:43 – Undefeated wins Best Documentary. Duh.
9:44 – “Ladies and Gentleman, a Better Host”.
9:45 – Chris Rock is better than crystal, let alone BILLY Crystal.
9:45 – This is an apology award. They’re just giving Gore Verbinski the Oscar he was deprived for The Mexican.
9:48 – Rango wins Best Animated feature. Is this whole year a placebo for a real year? Is this a huge stunt? If so, BRAVO.
9:49 – Gore Verbinski sounds like a Polish FX artist.
9:50 – Pixar’s Brave looks amazing! Actually it looks like blankets of fire slamming me into the Great Goodbye.
9:52 – Finally a spread legged fattie on my TV evening!
9:53 – Emma Stone campaigns for a musical.
9:54 – Did you see when they cut to Lee Majors’s reaction in the audience?
9:55 – Ben Stiller plays a straight men well. But he’s supposed to be funny.
9:56 – Fucking Hugo again. Jesus. Special Effects win.
9:57 – Rise of the Planet of the Apes is the one I want to win, though I do feel that a lot of the motion capture stuff uses the same techniques and it was the performance that sold the FX so well, but still… Hugo? I remember when people were pissed when Scorsese got all that love for The Departed. That film is great. For this, I am mystified.
10:01 – Christopher Plummer deserves all things.
10:02 – But fuck a standing ovation in the mouth.
10:02 – Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Fossil.
10:02 – I really cannot handle when the Oscar audience feels compelled to do a standing ovation for winners who are old, frail, controversial, or god forbid… survivors of some great and horrible catastrophe. Treat everyone equally, especially Mary Beth Hurt.
10:06 – Is there a sniper in the building? I can think of a few good “In Memorium” last minute entries.
10:07 – Hey, Billy Crystal is rehashing an old and shitty joke.
10:08 – Billy Crystal’s got nothing on my Nolte impersonation.
10:10 – If you are being entertained… first WHY? But if so, please “Like” or “Tweet” this asshole.
10:11 – Penelope Cruz ought to try to be less foreign.
10:13 – Stealing all our American acting jobs. Did she not see Act of Valor?
10:14 – “And the escargot’s too”.
10:15 – Some French fuck wins Best Music for The Artist.
10:15 – Fuck me, Hugo just won the NBA All-Star Game.
10:18 – The Muppets win Best Song. Actually Brett from the Conchords.
10:21 – I hate Hollywood and movies.
10:25 – I bet Angelina Jolie has extra vagina muscles.
10:27 – The Descendants wins for Best Screenplay.
10:28 – Woody Allen wins for Midnight in Paris. That surprises me.
10:31 – Werner Herzog!
10:31 – That was awkward when they cut to Leon Rippy in the audience.
10:35 – You know how people watch the Super Bowl for the commercials? I watch the Oscars for the commercials so I can not watch the Oscars.
10:36 – “We need someone with clout and grace to present the technical awards.” “Yeah, Andy… Hollywood Royalty.” “Who do we get, Judi Dench?” “What about that Joan of Ark cunt?”
10:38 –The Shore wins best short film, which is good because it’s a film that isn’t long and it’s shorter than a long film.
10:43 – Saving Face wins Best Docu……………………………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
10:36 – A trendy hat won some Oscar.
10:50 – Great to see Michael Douglas up there with vitality.
10:53 – The Artist wins Best Director, which is absolutely deserved.
10:55 – Wendell Pierce replied to me on Twitter. Now, he was disagreeing but I don’t care. I fucking worship that dude.
10:59 – Here come the deads.
11:09 – I’m sure these are all very special people, but they had some rather tangential people to the core of what the Oscars represents. I hope they don’t extend it to people who watch movies.
11:11 – Pretty interesting words from great people and then they cut to Billy Crystal’s smug cocksuck face.
11:14 – You know who is giddy and losing their shit about Billy Crystal’s jokes? Yep, Billy Crystal.
11:15 – By the way, it’s about goddamn time we got an Ashley Judd is pissed television show.
11:18 – French and suave as fuck wins a deserved Oscar for an utterly magnetic performance. Wouldn’t have minded seeing Pitt winning, but this guy blew my cock off with very special work.
11:21 – It’s weird seeing George Clooney and Tobin Bell sitting next to each other at the Oscars.
11:23 – OMG can’t wait to see how the trades review the Oscars show!
11:24 – So which honeyhole’s gonna win Best Actress?
11:25 – Albert Nobbs is the lost Cenobite.
11:26 – Rooney Mara shows her heat in her movie. She ought to win.
11:28 – The Best Actress is Meryl Streep. They should have split the win between her and Glenn Close. “And the Oscar goes to Iron, Man.”
11:30 – Sophie should have made a different choice.
11:32 – Tom Cruise is great. He just is.
11:35 – The Artist wins Best Picture. And it’s fucking great. Deal with it.
11:37 – I’m getting the fuck out of here. Sleep well, folks. If you see Billy Crystal on the street, BALD HIM.
121 comments
Cable is messing with me this year. Hope your TV makes it through this, I need your commentary 🙂
Crystal has had too much of Glazer’s backstage vodka.
What happened to a younger hipper oscars? Why Billy Crystal? Why….?
What happened to a hipper nominee list? Billy actually fits in with what was nominated.
The atrocious
I blame Brett Ratner.
That should have said “the atrocious Anne Hathaway and James Franco” but this site hates my iPad.
Twilight?! WTF? Fuck you.
This montage reminded me that I still need to see Amelie.
Worst montage EVER. They should’ve just shown that old TCM bit that was so glorious.
Also, I miss Jack Nicholson sitting drunk in the front row.
REALLY? The old lady in the diner was Rob Reiner’s mom?????? WHO KNEW?
Why is Madonna’s shitty film even nominated?
Because the Academy is out of touch, I’d assume.
Are Diaz & J-Lo high? What the fuck were they giggling about?
I’m glad I’m not the only one who dug athe Artist, Nick.
J Lo, we know you have boobs. You are now dismissed. And Meryl Streep’s gusty-laughing-amazed-sighs of overwhelmedness strikes me as SO disingenuous. You’re fucking Meryl Streep. False modesty does not become you.
Brad Pitt half remembering War of the Gargantuas makes me like him more. Him getting the ending wrong or not name dropping Russ Tamblyn makes me like him less…
I really love the way they’re doing the candid interview thing, though.
He’s been well preserved for a long time, but Tom Cruise’s plastic surgery is reeeeaally starting to show. Next up, Meg Mucklebones!
It wasn’t until they showed that clip that I was sure that movie even existed.
I noticed Tom’s aginggas well CDI. He’s still a handsome, crazy gentleman.
Sandra Bullock is still hot, still classy.
(And for the record, Meg Mucklebones was for Angeline Jolie, not Sandra Bullock.)
(oops – sorry, I meant that for a new comment, not a reply)
I actually respect the academy for not playing that gentleman off while he made a classy, heartfelt speech about his home country.
I love Christian Bale jokes from two years ago! HILARIOUS!!!!
Holy geez gah. Christian Bale. Hotter than eight bitches in a bitch boat.
Octavia Spencer was amazing. So was The Help.
Enjoy it Octavia. Ask Whoopi Goldberg what hers did for her career.
I’m trying to work out the lack of progress wrapped up in black Oscar winners winning for roles that feature them as servants, criminals, bad parents, etc. Octavia Whatshername had some gorgeous earrings though.
Fat jokes about Octavia Spencer; way to “dig deep”.
HOLY CRAP! Christopher Guest and his gang are here!
Why does Pharrell has a three person band up in the balcony? Is this Wizard of Oz thing a Christopher Guest short film? What’s going on?
Christopher Guest is welcome at any awards slog.
Fred Willard is goddamn hilarious.
She’s a monstrous thing.
I miss Christopher Guest films. Seriously.
Girl With The Dragon Tattoo probably had some of the worst editing of all the movies last year. So fucking poorly paced.
Pretty sure Tina Fey is plastered.
Good to know your pants are sfae from pee, Nick.
For now.
Drive- the movie that people I know hated because it was boring. Fuck those people.
What’s with all the fucking false hype of a rivalry between Clooney and Pitt? Does the academy really expect these two to have a fist fight over a piece of painted lead? Imagine how horrified America would be if they got on stage together and just started blowing each other.
Admittedly, I don’t think I’d react well to that either.
I was really hoping they were going to Slime Bullock and Streep.
Are these people dancing to the original score for Nightbreed?
This is made 1000% better by Elfman.
This is why I don’t go to the movies with any Cirque troupe members.
This bit is falling flatter than Paltrow’s chest.
I’ve watched the Oscars all my life, but honestly I think I might be packing it in early tonight. There’s some Top Gear going unwatched on BBC America, and unless Ewan McGregor and Michael Fassbender crash the stage and begin to have mad, vigorous sex, I don’t think there’s much left to hold my interest.
It did show me just how short Downey really is.
Yeah, let’s give it to a story about high school football instead of more meaningful subjects like wrongful imprisonment or war.
Is Chris Rock anorexic? He looks unwell.
If this isn’t Rango, fuck off.
Sweet. LOVED Rango. Best non-Pixar animated film in YEARS
In a perfect world Nick Nolte wins for Best Supporting Actor, just so Warrior gets a bit more visibility. It ain’t gonna happen though.
If Chris Rock ever hosts, we need a running camera on the producers of the show so we can see each time they squeeze out a tiny fear-shit in their pants.
Sad that Chris Rock likely won’t host the oscars again any time soon, due to humorless Sean Penn getting uppity about his Jude Law joke in 2005.
On a completely unrelated note, Brave looks really good.
What was this horrible Downey Jr. bit?
Is Emma Stone hiding a giant hickey?
Ben Stiller should have dressed like a Na’vi again this year.
Its nice to see Emma Stone have some fun with this.
Hugo over Apes for Visual Effects is the stupidest thing ever.
Agreed.
Now, Mr. Plummer. Sing Edelweiss.
What in the blue fuck is Millia Jovovich doing there?
Nick, I totally agree about the ovation thing. “Oh, you’re more important than everyone else!”
I’m getting this feeling that Hugo is going to win all these awards, but the big one: Best Pic will go to The Artist.
Yikes Billy Crystal…
I’m being entertained because it’s your voice on this site that made it what it is, and because you’re fucking funny. I Facebook liked this already.
Ferrell and Galifianakis…two people the world needs more of.
If Rio had won, I’d have gotten on a plane to California to beat the Academy’s dentures out.
Brett McKenzie now has an oscar. That’s pretty fucking awesome.
I’m glad The Muppets won something.
It’s probably a violation that I haven’t seen even one ep of Conchords, isn’t it?
Will Ferrel is not on my television or movie screen nearly often enough.
Is it me or is the Apatow/SNL crowd sort of Oscar-relevant all of a sudden?
Next year, the Oscars should be brought to us by Prestige Worldwide.
I can stand Angelina Jolie about as much as someone could stand kidney stones.
Nosferatu!
The Descendants! Great.
Dean Pelton, motherfuckers!
Shoulda been Wiig. Woody Allen can go screw.
I have not seen “The Descendants”, but I’m just going to assume that any choice which results in Jim Rash winning an Oscar is the correct choice.
Do you know anyone who has ever seen a short film? Where in the holy hell do they screen them?
A small, very small, arthouse theater near me actually screened a few of the nominees this past week. I think a lot of them travel in a roadhouse package of sorts.
No, but I do feel sorta sad for you. Get on that shit. You won’t regret it.
I need a pee status update on Nick’s pants.
“With no clear favorite, anyone could win.” HAHAHAHA
*Roadshow package.
Michael, I was wondering the same thing.
I only pee on my dick out of joy.
When did Michael Sheen become Richard Simmons?
OMG, I betcha The Artist wins best picture.
Whatever he’s doing, apparently Rachel McAdams likes it, because he is tapping that currently.
Oprah Winfrey? What does she get an honorary oscar for? Why don’t they give to fucking Donald Trump while they’re at it.
Oprah Winfrey? What does she get an honorary oscar for? Why don’t they give one to fucking Donald Trump while they’re at it.
Lets see who gets the biggest dead person applause.
“We have to show the Spider-Man clip of Cliff Robertson because all those young kids won’t know who he is otherwise.”
Also…Wendell Pierce is acting like blacks don’t get a fair shake in Hollywood. Kind of ridiculous, actually.
How awesome would it have been if they showed a clip from Escape From LA?
I’m siding with Wendell Pierce in that argument, because he’s Wendell Pierce.
Sorry, Nick, but I know you understand.
If they extend it to people that watch movies, in 70 years you’ll be up there.
Fuck, I’D side with Wendell against me.
Wow! That’s a big surprise…thought for sure Clooney would win. Good for him…I really need to see The Artist.
I don’t give a shit about people’s complaints against The Artist. I thought it was fun, and I think this gentleman deserves his Oscar.
Can’t wait to see it, and I’m already sick of the backlash on various sites.
Michael Fassbender should’ve got nominated, let alone a fucking oscar over a goddamned frenchie.
Dujardin was the epitome of magnetic in The Artist. That performance was one for the ages. Totally deserving. Although, I’m completely surprised over Clooney not winning.
The Best Actor/Actress starfucking speeches to introduce the nominees really tip it over the edge. Just show the goddamn clip.
What?!?! No fucking way Viola Davis lost.
And the Meryl Streep Award goes to….Meryl Streep!
Yay! Streep wins for playing an unrepentant war criminal.
At least Tom’s plastic surgery is better than John Travolta’s. He’s clearly got better Hubbard juju or whatever they exchange those millions for.
I’ll bet Wendell Pierce is upset right now.
It’d be awesome of Bale came back out and stomp that stupid dog to death, American Psycho style.
Cruise should’ve thought ahead and shot half a film as old Cruise and half as young Cruise. “I’m not vain, I’m METHOD!”
I loved The Artist, but didn’t think it was Best Picture, however I’m glad that film makers who took a chance on something out of the ordinary got rewarded for it. Also, Billy Crystal looks like Miracle Max.
Thanks for doing the commentary, Nick. Great as always. Have sweet Billy Crystal monologue dreams.
You fucking rule in epic proportions Nunz.
Haven’t seen HUGO, but THE DEPARTED is a hack job. It’s editing is WAY off, including blatant mistakes.
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