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STUDIO: Universal Studios
MSRP: $9.90
RATED: Not Rated
RUNNING TIME: 91 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES:

  • Trailers
  • Audio Commentary
  • Behind the Scenes
  • Cast Interviews

The Pitch

A tour de force of ineptitude, from the film itself to the Behind the Scenes and the Cast Interviews.

The Humans

Rick Yune, Rachel Specter, Lance Henriksen, Bill Moseley, Ralf Moeller, Danny Trejo, Zack “Yellow Eyes” Ward, Michael Pare, P.J. Soles


The Nutshell

So there are these witch hunters, who are running away from a witch, I think. Through what seems to be a jungle park, they take refuge in a dank restroom, and prepare for their final battle. One of these hunters, woodenly played by Michael Pare, makes final preparations for the fight by doing something with a knife and something else and then hiding it. Unbeknownst to our soon-to-be-dead hunters, Ol’ Yellow Eyes himself was using this restroom as a place to do something with some drugs and some music, preparing to go out and do something somewhere. Hiding in a stall, he witnesses possibly the last stand between the hunters and a what I think is a smokey/witchy apparition, that apparently kills everyone, and perhaps merges with Skut Farkas.


“What the hell do you mean they changed the laws??! Does this mean I won’t get to
be AiAi in your Super Monkey Ball movie??!”


Flash-cut to present day, where a semi possessed Scut meets up with Edward Carnby, our hero. Edward has noticeably taken a new Slater-less appearance in the form of Rick Yune, a replacement with better abs and way less talent.  Carnby and Farkas have a quick meeting with the same witch, who seems to be hunting for this special knife, which gets accidentally stabbed into Carnby.

For the next 30 minutes of the film, we meet some new characters, we find out a little more about the witch, but mostly we get to see Carnby wriggle, squirm, and moan while something weird happens to him. For all the horrible acting and crappy storytelling, we do get Lance Henriksen and Danny Trejo, and a most stiff performance from Ralf Moeller (“Gladiator”) playing a guy who hangs around with a big shotgun.

We learn about a history of this witch hunting this family, and the witch has eyes on the hot young daughter of Bill Moseley. Our heroes take refuge in a strangely designed house, and as the witchy-thing hunts our heroes, they unleash heck with some fancy firearms. Some die will die, and some don’t. And you won’t care.


It is at this point in the movie you too will be begging Ralf to pull the trigger!


The Lowdown

Alone in the Dark II is one of the most goddamned stupidest movies I have ever seen. With that out of the way, let’s begin.

I think we all know what to expect from a movie that has Uwe Boll’s name on it. Although he did not direct this one (producer only), you can still feel his German tax-write-off hands all over it. The directors, Michael Roesch and Peter Scheerer, know how to say “action” and that may be just about it. As you can tell from the nutshell above, there is much left to be desired in regards to the story. It is outright dumb. Add some wooden actors along with your aged “stars” and you’re left with a nice turd.

This movie is awful. For every whiz-bang camera zoom or speed up, there is lame scene staging and terrible acting. As with everything else in this movie, things happen with no explanations, and are handled with the clumsiest direction possible. There are scenes where you see the actors start walking from standing still, like something out of a 70’s television sitcom. The hot daughter with the large up-tops delivers lines like an eight year old in acting class. And the amount of groaning during long, strung out death scenes is laughable.

It’s hard to write a review of a crappy movie, so I am going to instead write about my favorite parts of Alone in the Dark II, and by favorite parts I mean most terrible and mind-numbingly inane parts. I mean, do you really care about seeing this film, knowing whose creative hand is behind it? I doubt that anyone does. However, if a way to get you interested in seeing it is for your trusty reviewer to whet your appetite with some of the horribleness of it, then that will be my pleasure.


Why doesn’t she take one more step and end this movie!


My first favorite part of the movie is when the witch attacks the house that our heroes are hiding in. There is this flashy scene where the witch is standing just inside the front door, and looking very vengeful-like. Our hero Carnby and the daughter that the entire plot is centered around are hiding next to a fireplace. And when I say fireplace, I mean that it’s a brick fireplace that extends maybe two feet away from the wall, and it is between the front door and them. In all actuality, there is no possible way that the witch cannot see them.  As she eerily moves as close to them as possible, wrenching up the “suspense”, she suddenly stops, narrowly out of frame (see above screen grab). So, why doesn’t she move 2 inches closer to them, thereby getting to an angle when she can surely see them? She’s specifically looking for them and shimmies back and forth creepily while our heroes cringe. Why did she stop? Because it is obvious that the CAMERA CREW in the way! The camera never moves in the scene, so the crew must be ratcheted up against the wall, and there’s no more room for her to move any closer! You can almost tell the exact point when the director tells her to leave.


“So, you really want me to just stand here and squeal? And then just fall down?
And you’ll pay me for that? I’ll do it!”


My second favorite part is Danny Trejo’s death scene. Now, spoiler alert, I am not completely sure that Trejo actually dies, and I am not even sure that what happens to him was even supposed to cause his death. I am not even sure what really happens to him, other than he seems like he was supposed to die. In his epic death scene, he is trying to restart a portable generator, and the witch attacks him. He gets scared, fires a few shots with his fancy shotgun, and then grabs onto the handle of the generator and squeals as though he’s either getting electrocuted or tickled to death. He falls down, and I immediately rewind the DVD to see what happened. Thinking that he at least got his fingers cut off, I see that he just basically falls down. To top this all off, this is one of the behind the scenes shots, and like the method actor we all know Trejo is, you see him act this out all in one take. It’s enormously entertaining, if for only for the joy in knowing that Mr. Trejo probably got a nice little sum of money for his short time on set.

The Package

Alone in the Dark II has your standard trailer for other Uwe Boll produced abortions. There is an audio commentary track with the directors and Bill Moseley. There are a variety of cast interviews, and they are no different than other interviews you might find on other, Hollywood productions. Everyone says the same things, and if it’s not hyperbole about how great the production and actors and everything is, then it’s cliché-riddled personal monologues about how much they are enjoying making this film.

The final insult to all of moviemaking is the Behind the Scenes feature. Besides the fabulous complete take of Danny Trejo’s death scene, which is so laughable and also the exact take they use in the film, there is an interview with the make-up effects artist. One might think that someone working in the film industry would know a little about the actors they are working with, but this guy is oblivious. He introduces to the camera one of our favorite actors as Lance Hendricks. And Mr. Henriksen doesn’t bat an eye. He just plays along, and turns in a performance you’ll forget in about 3 minutes.

0.5 out of 10


Betcha didn’t know Boll is making a District 9 sequel, too!