Welcome to the live blog for the 2010 Academy Awards, coming to you live from Hollywood California. That’s right – I’m live blog from a scant mile and a half from the Kodak Theater right, close enough to get pretty sick should a dirty bomb be detonated at the ceremony!

I’ll be bringing the textual commentary here, while Nick will be doing it live on the internet radio, taking your calls. You can call him at 1 (347) 826-9101, and you can listen in at this link.

So bookmark this page and keep checking in for the latest comments and thoughts from me! Load up your glass and take a seat, and get ready for a steady stream of Avatar jokes.

9:05: And so we come to the end. Inglorious Basterds got robbed on Screenplay, but pretty much everything else was what I expected. I won’t lie – I’m happy that Avatar takes some minor awards and goes home otherwise empty handed. The Hurt Locker wasn’t the best film of the year, but anybody who thinks this ceremony is about the best is deluding themselves. And this year – despite being fucked in many ways – had great B and genre movie representation. SWAT, Evil Dead 2, Roger Corman! So good on that level.

9:01: Well, Avatar took some tech awards but that’s it. Thank the Hometree. A long, boring, lifeless ceremony but at least True Evil didn’t win out for one year. Mazel tov small movies!

8:59: My girlfriend’s mom thinks Kathryn Bigelow looks like she got her dress at Kohls. I think Kathryn Bigelow is one 58 year old I’d be psyched to bone. I’d hurt her locker!

8:58: Whoa, they blew right into The Hurt Locker blowing away Avatar. Congrats to the people at Summit – way to get a 12 million dollar grosser to the very top spot. Incredible, and deserved.

8:55: Kathryn Bigelow proves that director jail doesn’t have to be forever. The first woman to ever win an Oscar for Best Director. An awesome moment for the director of Near Fucking Dark! The Hurt Locker takes Best Director.

8:54: Oh look, Jason Reitman’s DAD is the only guy they could get to say nice things.

8:52: Best Director is happening. Could be the first woman ever. Could be the first black person. Could be the first time I shoot myself in the head after James Cameron wrongly wins.

8:52: I liked the Bullock speech. Funny at  the right moments.

8:48: Sandra Bullock takes it for The Blind Side. Now she finally has the juice to get Speed 3 going!

8:47: Sean Penn is a mess. And not the hot kind!

8:45: Oprah so just lied to Precious. This is the end of her career, frankly.

8:43: Peter Sarsgaard just dropped a major spoiler for An Education. Nice!

8:42: Who is Face Guy behind Helen Mirren? He looks like hes made of plastics.

8:40: Forrest Whitaker is wearing anti-wonk eye glasses.

8:40: I’ll check back in 20 minutes when this next fucking boring ass piece of Tribunalation is over.

8:39: Well, the iPad looks cool when they animate stuff and superimpose it on the screen!

8:35: The Tron Legacy campaign just got more highbrow. Also, I guess The Dude doesnt get any 45 second limit on his speech.

8:33: A well-deserved (and very expected) Oscar for Jeff Bridges! The Dude fucking ABIDES.

8:32: Since that presentation went on so long you may have forgotten who is nominated for Best Actor. Kate Winslet reminds you.

8:30: Finally, SWAT makes it to the Oscars! And Colin Farrell brings the best part of the endlessly tedious Best Actor section.

8:27: It’s nice to see the most famous and successful people in the world finally have someone stand up and say nice things about them at length.

8:25: For the Best Actor award they bring out the Tribunal. I would like this to become an episode of Intervention. “Listen, Jeff, you have to give up the glass dong. Crack is wack!”

8:24: Why is this ceremony so long? It doesn’t feel like they’re fucking around, but it’s so flat and dull.

8:19: And Kathy Bates takes the stage for what is probably the last time we’ll see Avatar this Oscar night.

8:16: Best Foreign is NOT Un Prophete. What a rob! It’s The Secret in Their Eyes. Real bummer, as Un Prophete is one of the best movies of the last few years.

8:09: BTW, Bob Murawski, Oscar winner, is the guy behind Grindhouse Releasing, which means if you own Cannibal Holocaust on DVD it’s because of him! I love Bob!

8:07: The Hurt Locker takes Editing. Totally correct. And I think this means we’re seeing The Hurt Locker take Picture and Director?

8:05: And this is the only way Tyler Perry is getting to the Oscars. And he knows it!

8:04: Finally, Fisher Stevens is rewarded for Short Circuit. The Cove wins Best Doc.

8:02: We may be about to see FISHER FUCKING STEVENS win an Oscar.

7:57: Jason Reitman wept.

7:55: Avatar wins visual effects. Not a human on Earth is surprised.

7:54: Visual effects. Nobody who isn’t Avatar even bothered writing a speech.

7:53: Yay for Giachinno! He wins for Up, and he deserves it for a lot of other work the last couple of years.

7:51: Why is The Lion King nominated for Best Score… oh wait, it’s Avatar.

7:49: This shit is so retarded. I kind of love it.

7:47: That one guy IS the Pop Locker in this Hurt Locker tribute. They look like they’re in a Gap ad.

7:47: These dancers should be in Sherlock Holmes garb! Blowing bubbles from pipes.

7:46: The animatronic Sam Worthington takes the stage, complete with fauxhawk.

7:40: MJ gets his Wiz appearance in there. Karl Malden, once Academy president, gets the last shot.

7:39: Eric Rohmer is less important than John Hughes!

7:38: And as soon as James Taylor starts singing John Lennon is glad he’s already dead.

7:37: Demi Moore, who appears to be immortal, is presenting the Parade of the Dead.

7:36: How does a movie without any real camera shots get a Cinematography award? Avatar gets back into the tech race with Hurt Locker.

7:35: Sandra Bullock has a lot of good will for picking up her All About Steve Razzie in person last night.

7:33: Isn’t Yaz the most fucking ridiculous name for a birth control pill possible?

7:29: Travolta is begging Tarantino for a third act to his career.

7:29: The SciTech Awards are more shamefully quick than ever before. Fuck these non-famous people!

7:27: Another Hurt Locker, for Sound Mixing. Nobody in the Academy knows what this shit is, so this is like a popularity contest award.

7:25: And The Hurt Locker wins Best Sound Design, which quickly breaks the Avatar tech sweep. With Hurt Locker winning undeserved Screenplay we may be seeing this movie the big winner of the night.

7:24: Nicky Katt made the Oscars with this Dark Knight clip. The Sound Editing thing was very cool, though.

7:21: UGH THIS FUCKING MONTAGE JUST TRIED TO COMPARE STEVE MCQUEEN TO TAYLOR LAUTNER.

7:20: The Horror Montage is set to the Young Frankenstein music.

7:19: Another boner for the dipshits who make YouTube montages, the Horror Montage. With lots of Chucky footage. But Evil Dead made it in, which is nice.

7:18: KStew, stoned and bored, doesn’t know about Silence of the Lambs.

7:18: KStew and Taylor Lautner are doing the horror tribute? YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME.

7:17: I’m sure many are complaining, but I love the Paranormal Activity joke!

7:12: South African apartheid reparations continue by having Charlize Theron present Precious.

7:10: As my friend Dave says The Young Victoria is this year’s British movie about Queen Victoria. And they win Costume Design. And Sandy Powell comes off cuntish!!!!

7:10: Why is Tom Ford dressed like Keanu Reeves tonight?

7:08: Apparently Avatar‘s production designer is only here today because James Cameron wouldn’t let him die, dammit!

7:07: The first Avatar win. The question is whether this begins an Avatar technical sweep that ends in a Best Picture or an Avatar technical sweep that ends in no Best Picture.

7:06: Art direction. Why is Avatar in this category? Why not put Up in here as well?

7:02: BTW, I love that Mo’Nique called out everybody who got so hung up on the politics of nominees kissing ass in the awards season. She didn’t do the usual circuit, and all the pundits said it would hurt her. Guess not. It’s refreshing to see the Academy award a performance, not a campaign.

7:01: My girlfriend is very excited to see Colin Firth on television. Jeffrey Wells is very excited to see Carey Mulligan, as he can no longer get within 300 feet of her, legally.

6:59: ROBIN WILLIAMS DOES BLACK VOICE WHEN ANNOUNCING MO’NIQUE’S WIN FOR PRECIOUS!!!

6:56: I hope Robin Williams does a black voice to make fun of Precious.

6:55: Corman winning means there’s hope for Lloyd Kaufman.

6:53: No shit, it’s a tragedy that these awards – Roger Corman! Gordon Willis! Lauren Bacall! – weren’t aired. They all deserved to be on TV.

6:51: Geoffrey Fletcher wins Best Adapted Screenplay for Precious, and he’s theatrically overcome. He’s so over the top!

6:50: Where’s the damn reaction cam?! I needed to see Reitman’s face when he lost!!!

6:49: We’re all rooting for Armando Iannucci here.

6:48: Time for douchebag Jason Reitman to win an Oscar.

6:34: Who will stand up for the Coen Bros? The Dude will.

6:42: This year’s show is almost devoid of all energy. Super flat.

6:42: It’s so lame that this is a category that’s probably in trouble in the coming years. I like practical always.

6:41: And Star Trek takes the award. Very good alien work in that film, I think.

6:40: They showed the lamest make-ups from Star Trek.

6:40: The guy from Il Divo looks like a cartoon version of Peter Bogdanovich to me.

6:38: And he’s giving out Best Make-Up! Hey look, you could do stupid looking cat fruits with make-up after all.

6:38: HAHAHAHA Ben Stiller comes out as a Na’vi. Loving this.

6:36: Something just won Best Live Action Short.

6:34: Black Girl In a Wheelchair wins Best Short Doc. And some crazy white lady takes the stage! Amazing! What an uncomfortable moment. Even MLK would have smacked this bitch.

6:32: Logorama takes Best Animated Short. I missed it at Sundance, but I understand it’s on YouTube. Legally, I think.

6:30: John Lasseter is wearing a Cars Hawaiian shirt in that clip. It’s like the ultimate moment in poor taste.

6:28: The Short Film categories are here. America switches over to Bad Boys II.

6:24: “Get these muthafuckin’ balloons off mah muthafuckin’ house!”

6:23: Taylor Lautner is wondering who this John Hughes guy is.

6:23: I don’t remember if Billy Wilder got this much screen time at the Oscars when he died.

6:20: The Hurt Locker taking Screenplay over Basterds is wrong and surprising. Is this the first sign of a Locker sweep in the making?

6:19: Somewhere in Internetland the people who make stupid YouTube montages are taking notes during this Hughes montage! This is how the PROFESSIONALS do it – by cutting from scream to scream!

6:17: Molly Ringwald looks like she’s the one who died, not John Hughes. But it’s nice to have her and Broderick up there to recognize John Hughes for his contribution to middle class white teen culture.

6:16: Mark Boal wins Best Original Screenplay for The Hurt Locker. An Oscar for his first film. Wonder if he’ll get the backlash that Diablo Cody got for the same?

6:13: Sickly little mole people! Pretty correct.

6:12: Wait, I just saw his dumb blue glasses. I take that back!

6:12: If Robert Downey Jr and Tina Fey had a baby I would follow it like the new messiah.

6:08: 25 years of DNA research has given us… a new Estee Lauder product? Thanks, scientists.

6:06: They get Captain Kirk to talk about District 9.

6:05: Ryan Bingham love his wife more than rainbows. Does he really have that strong feelings about rainbows?

6:04: My dad is very excited right now, as T Bone Burnett gets an Oscar.

6:03: No snark: I miss the song performances.

6:02: I write about movies for a living and I never even heard of Paris 36.

6:00: Amanda Seyfried brings her Crazy Eyes to the stage. But why Miley Cyrus? Do we need 13 year olds watching the Oscars that badly?

5:58: So far the Oscars are doing what we expected. Up takes Best Animated Feature, very rightfully. Pete Docter looks like such a big gawky dweeb. Very endearing.

5:58: Oh Dug.

5:56: The fake junket thing for Animated Feature… sort of cute.

5:51: We thought we were teaching The Blind Side, but The Blind Side was teaching us!

5:50: I skipped The Blind Side when I learned it wasn’t actually about a blind kid playing football.

5:49: I kind of want to turn this off and just watch the Basterds Blu-Ray right now.

5:48: You’re all safe! And the first Oscar goes well. An uber bingo, as Waltz says. Somebody cast him in a Werner Herzog biopic.

5:47: Waltz wins or I kill you all.

5:47: Stanley Tucci for best dentures!

5:46: Jesus Christ, yet another Tolstoy movie.

5:44: This Invictus clip is infinite.

5:41: George Clooney is not amused.

5:40: Tobey Maguire is not amused.

5:38: And Steve Martin brings Precious back to The Jerk. Not a killer opening, but I’m liking some of these.

5:38: And the Hitler joke for Meryl Streep. Okay, I’m on board.

5:36: Wait, that Invictus joke was good.

5:36: Rough start. Real rough start.

5:34: And the two headed host begins.

5:32: And with a soap in the prison shower joke, we have inaugurated the gayest Oscars of all time. Which is saying something.

5:31: Neil Patrick Harris! The guy who should have hosted!

5:29: I’ve held off on drinking
until now, but this is the 37th time I’ve seen the Samsung 3D TV
commercial, and twice in this one commercial break.

5:25: That dumb bitch from The View who thinks the Earth is flat also thinks Taylor Lautner is the most famous werewolf in motion picture history.

5:23: Precious has a blue dress that makes her look like she’s wearing the fucking ocean.

5:22: All the women at my
little Oscar party want to fuck Jeff Bridges. I might consider it as
well, but I imagine his beard smells like cigarillos.

5:21: I saw Tina Fey on The Marriage Ref. She was so humiliated.

5:19: Well, I’ve learned that Whoopi Goldberg pisses her pants whenever she sneezes, thanks to that Poise commercial.

5:17: I have been sitting on the spoiler for the ending of Remember Me for months now. You should go see the last ten minutes of that movie.

5:15: Sarah Jessica Parker color coordinated her dress, her hair and her horrific fake tan.

5:13: The last time Oscar had ten nominees, Casablanca won. But since it didn’t appeal to furries it wasn’t considered a game changer.

5:11: Morgan Freeman brought his daughter to the Oscars. Is his granddaughter at home seething with jealousy?

5:10 Pacific: I like watching the red carpet interviews to see who suffers these moronic interviewers lightly.

5:06 Pacific: Great news: Adam Shankman got Zac Efron to present the Oscars. Bogie can rest easy.