And on the eighth day God created stereoscopic filmmaking and He said ‘Fuck yes, this is the future of filmmaking!’
Wait, no He didn’t. God isn’t as perfect as we all thought, is he? It’s up to Hollywood to fix that error, and a guy named Cary Granat is stepping up to the plate. Besides having a name that sounds like the Flintstones version of Cary Grant, Granat was once the head of Walden Media, where he ushered into existence movies that pandered to the Christian conservative audiences.
This movie, called In the Beginning, is a 3D adaptation of The Book of Genesis and will cost a measly 30 million bucks (I guess Adam and Eve don’t have large wardrobe budgets), and is being written by the guy who brought us Young Guns, John Fusco, who recently wrote The Forbidden Kingdom (which I actually quite liked). It’s being directed by David Cunningham, the guy who made the horrible Path to 9/11 miniseries and the even more horrible The Seeker: The Dark Is Rising for Walden. Paramount is on this nonsense.
Here’s the question: how will Adam and Eve be portrayed? Will they be white people, which wouldn’t be correct by any interpretation of the beginnings of mankind? And will this film be presenting Genesis as myth – like Clash of the Titans presents Greek myth – or will it be aimed at the utter morons who believe in Creationism? Or will it try to have it both ways? I’m betting both ways.
And there are more questions: will Lilith be making an appearance? Will we figure out how the fuck Cain and Abel get married when their mom and dad were the only people on Earth? How far into Genesis does 30 million take you? Will I get to see Eve’s tittays in 3D? And Adam’s big old schlong? And wouldn’t it be cool if the film tried to have it both ways and made these fuckers into monkey people?
20 comments
You misspelled Yahweh but more importantly Cary. 🙂
Why the fuck would you even make this? Everyone knows the story, it takes 10 seconds to explain. Sounds like this is going to be pandering bullshit to make some fast and cheap money off of biblehumpers and will bore the hell outta Sunday school kids.
Since the movie is being made by conservative white Christians Adam and Eve will be portrayed as they always are. If we're lucky maybe the filmmakers will toss in some leviathans, i.e., dinosaurs. Woo fucking hoo.
I really want to see Adam and Eve ride the fucking dinosaurs. With saddles. And then it'd be great if the movie could explain the dinosaurs' extinction as well.
Here, let me ease your mind (I use the term loosely). If the film makers subscribe to christian beliefs, they aren't really going to delve into evolution so Adam and Eve will be "light skinned," or perhaps middle eastern in origin. And why not, Scorsese thought christ looked like Willem DeFoe? If they wanted to tell a story of evolution, they wouldn't subscribe to the idea of an Adam and Eve at all, as the chances of a single man and single woman in the same place appearing as the "first" homo sapiens is just plain silly. If they straddle, they'll please no one and sell few tickets. They can, however, decide to just tell the story as is, since it's been around for so long, and not bother with establishing it as myth or reality. And probably sell few tickets. Or, they could take the $30mil and, instead of pandering to christians, they could pander to fanboys, make a throwback slasher flick, and sell few tickets. Either way, according to Michelangelo, Adam's schlong was not so big.
Gosh, it seems really racist of you to make a big deal out of the fact that they may inaccurately cast the roles of adam and eve with white people.
Nazis riding Dinosaurs into battle = BOX OFFICE GOLD.
#7 I would love to see a big budget creationist take on history. Jesus riding a Velociraptor would be awesome.
Judas i think is more of a velociraptor type of guy..
besides, do you know what this would do to the apple business..
Sure Snow white and the apple is one thing, parents just tell their childrens it only a story.
but Eve eats them apple. and thrown out of Eden. kids dont eat their apples, and then what Parents tell their kids:
Shh. its only a story, its not real.
I'm hoping it will be an animated version of R Crumb's Genesis…
"utter morons who believe in Creationism"? Are you kidding me? So do you subscribe to Richard Dawkins who claims the earth was "seeded" by extraterrestrials because spontaneous generation is impossible? Yea, much more believable… reasons.org
Which part of Genesis are they going to go by? The part where Eve is taken from Adam's rib or the part where they're created at the same time? The part where God took seven days or the part where he just created everything, and then created light…. and the light of course being the two great sources of light, the sun and the moon. Right around the time he put the stars in the sky.
Hey #11, you're an idiot. Where the fuck does Richard Dawkins enter the picture here? Way to just assume right out your ass that these are Devin's beliefs. Honestly, what the fuck?
#13, oh, yea! well you are also an idiot! So, by Devin calling Creationists "Morons" does not really mean that he is a Darwinist? As far as Dawkins, I was asking a question (you retard) and not making a definitive statement… reasons.org
I agree with #13, no point in bringing up Richard Dawkins, not that I disagree with everything he has to say, actually I like some of his writings, but it's irrelevant. Why you mentioned Dawkins before Darwin is beyond me. Creationist are feeble-minded, gullible people. And they kind of scare me. If Mel isn't making this movie, it is going to blow. I think he should make all the biblical stories into extremely violent gore films. We have the death of Christ the cult leader, now lets see the story of Noah's boat! I want to see fucking tigers ripping apart the people that would be idiotic enough to attempt such a feat. That would make for a blood bath!
I'm just hoping that Seth finally is acknowleged some. There are some very religious people that didn't even know there was another kid.
What exactly makes creationists feeble-minded and gullible? Both intelligent design and evolution are theories trying to explain the starting point for life as we know it. Both systems take a certain amount of faith to believe in it. Neither one is a fact, neither one can be proved beyond a shadow of a doubt. But as far as the movie goes…why on earth would anyone think that this was a good idea?
Why is it that when people talk about the Bible their brains shut off? Devin, Cain and Abel married their sisters. As for the supposed chronological problems, Genesis 1 gives the basics. Genesis 2 gives the specifics. For example, Genesis 1 says God created Adam and Eve. It doesn't specify the time. It's equivalent to me saying Carol and John had two kids together. It doesn't mean they had them at the same time. Really, you think the author was so dumb he would forget that quickly what he had written down? It never occured to you that maybe there's some confusion due to translation?
I wanted to laugh at #18… but it confused me too much.
I think it's cool what they're doing. Just because you stupid atheists don't believe the jizz I just corked into my sink would have been future Newtons doesn't mean life isn't divinely inspired by God. Read a Bible. Get educated. And don't let Ben Stein haters fool you.
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